We at ShopSquad have recently moved to more spacious digs, which naturally brings us to thoughts of how tough burgeoning super-villains must have it. Say you’ve got a unique plan to disrupt the staid industry of evil, but limited funds. It’s natural to dismiss decor when you’re focusing all your energy on R&D (e.g. kidnapping scientists, kidnapping heiresses, kidnapping precocious children with magical powers), but it’s impossible to convey elegant menace when all of your headquarter fixtures come from IKEA. Fortunately, we’ve come up with a list of essentials to pimp out your villainous lair so that it elicits terror and awe, rather than awkward pity when visitors spot bean bags in the lobby.
1.) Solid wood conference tables – Glass tables are the cranky grandmothers of furniture – they’re difficult to transport, they get smudgy really quickly, and have an unfortunate habit of shattering when you and your nemesis tumble on them in the midst of climactic fisticuffs. Go for mahogany; it’s classy and relatively low maintenance, with a subtly dark sheen that encourages dastardly brainstorming.
2.) High-backed leather swivel chairs – High-backed, because it’s imposing. Leather, because it’s comfortable. Swivel, because it’s fun. Unless if you’re one of those hands-on masterminds consistently out in the field (micromanage much?), you’ll probably spend a lot of time in your office brooding, cackling, and monologue-ing in front of petrified cronies, so a nice chair is worth the splurge.
3.) Electric tea kettles – Curb your scoffing; even upstart evil-doers get thirsty, and you can’t exactly maintain an aura of chilly mystery with Jamba Juice cups strewn about your office. Drinking tea (we recommend Mariage Frères Marco Polo ) connotes refinement and European-ness, so you can get your caffeine fix and still look composed when your henchpeople (equal-opportunity evil is the wave of the future) enter your office with the latest kidnapped scientist/heiress/child in tow.
4.) Snow globe – So you don’t have enough funds to plunk into an original Mondrian for your inner sanctum. No matter; De Stijl is for squares, anyways. Minimalism is a godsend to financially strapped villains. All you need is a heavy paperweight rich with potential metaphorical commentary for a captive (literally) audience. Then when you’re finished expounding on rocking horses, your distant father, and Paris in the snow, you can idly pick up the globe and smash your enemy’s face.
As always, you can get expert advice on purchases, villainous or otherwise, at ShopSquad.