Imagine our consternation when we found out that Levi’s recently premiered “three popular skinny fits for the Modern Man,” including the strangely named “Ex-Girlfriend Jeans.” These stretch denim babies have an 11.5″ leg aperture, which would eliminate any men without fawn-like ankles:
Now, we at ShopSquad have been around the block, on a Schwinn, with a vintage Arcade Fire song in our hearts and a moustache tattooed on our forearms. Mild discomfort aside, skinny jeans are actually useful because the hems don’t drag on the ground and they tuck neatly into boots, all the better for whimsical adventuring. We get that Levi’s is hoping to appeal to moody 22-year-old auteurs named Xavier, and people who hope to appeal to moody 22-year-old auteurs named Xavier.
What trips us up is the messaging of the product. The pants are called “Ex-Girlfriend Jeans” because… the wearer was so enamored of his former companion that he kept her denim as a souvenir? Because the wearer is so cool that even though he no longer has the girl, he still can fit/get in her pants?
Color us confused. “Boyfriend jeans,” like the below from Express, makes sense for women, because the nomenclature lets the wearer flirt with masculinity within a heteronormative framework (translation: My clothes are baggy, but I’m totally not a lesbian). Like Madonna said in that one music video that got banned, “Girls can wear jeans and cut their hair short … ‘Cause it’s okay to be a boy, but for a boy to look like a girl is degrading ’cause you think that being a girl is degrading.”
In any case, we wish Levi’s well in trying to make fetch happen. In fact, we came up with some new names of our own for common women’s clothing items:
BORING FASHION TERMINOLOGY: Empire-waist jersey dress
SUPERAWESOME NEW NAME: Eating dress
WHY GOD WHY: Self-explanatory. The higher waistline, coupled with the flowy skirt, allows for copious eating, so you don’t spend the rest of the night sucking in your stomach after chowing down on four pounds of beignets. Example below, from ModCloth:
BORING FASHION TERMINOLOGY: Long-length stretch tank
SUPERAWESOME NEW NAME: Just-in-case shirt
WHY GOD WHY: This sartorial workhorse, like the below from Free People, easily goes from daywear (tights, cardigan, flats) to nightwear (fishnets, heels, clangy jewelry). It’s also comfortable enough to wear as pajamas when you pass out after a night of poor decisions. The stretchy material means that it rolls up neatly in a purse, and it won’t wrinkle, so it makes the perfect spare shirt. You know, just in case.
As always, if you need free expert advice on skinny jeans or Schwinns or clangy jewelry, visit us at www.ShopSquad.com.