We at ShopSquad cater to every living, purchasing being on the face of the earth, which puts us in a bit of a pickle when it comes to these product guides. However, at least one common experience unites us across lines of gender, age, nationality, and class: anger. Or, to be more specific, fleeting moments of of white-knuckled, red-faced, purple-spandex-shorts-stretching incandescent rage, whether you’ve discovered that your parents have cut you out of the will again, or that you forgot to TiVo the latest episode of Community.
"That's the one in which Annie and Britta almost make out! Nooooo!"
In recognition of occasional fiascos and freakouts everywhere, here are some tried & true items to soothe the pure fury chunneling through your internal organs.
Personalizable bottle opener – While you’re drowning your sorrows like a burlap sack of kittens in the river, let this handy item be a reminder that life goes on. We recommend engraving something uplifting, like a quote from Tuesdays with Morrie, or Scarface.
"Where you get the beauty scar, tough guy? Eating pineapple?"
The Gashlycrumb Tinies — This macabre Gorey classic depicting the alphabetical deaths of hapless Victorian children should take the edge off even the Heathcliff-iest mood.
Easier than reading Camus, and just as droll.
Mr. Axe — Want something more tactile? This sheepish-looking plushie lets you playfully go Lizzie Borden on your loved ones, and you’ll be supporting independent designers while chopping through your rage issues.
Headphones — Several generations of lovelorn teenagers can’t be wrong; slap on a huge, heavy pair of headphones to let the world that you hate everyone forever/always. Ear-buds are a no-go in this case, as you want the largest headphones possible to broadcast your excess ire.
So no one can hear you playing Dashboard Confessional.
Duffel bag — Sometimes, even the illusion of escape is enough to calm one down. The cool grey-and-tan color scheme of this dashing Herschel Supply Co. bag from Karmaloop is casual enough for the gym, but elegant enough for a weekend extramarital jaunt. We recommend packing this baby with sneakers, a just-in-case shirt, a towel, and a waterproof notebook, so you can remember where you hid the body.
Stylish and ready for mayhem.
As always, you can get product advice at ShopSquad, even when you’re not pissed.